When Steven's Wright....
• Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
• I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
• I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
• It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
• There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
• What's another word for Thesaurus?
• If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
• My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.
• I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
• Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.
• Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
• I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
• Black holes are where God divided by zero.
• If God dropped acid, would he see people?
• Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
• I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
• I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!
• Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'
• I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
• I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
• I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
• Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
• I bought some powdered water yesterday. I don't know what to add.
• Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
• If Dracula can't see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
• It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
• I have the world’s largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world.
• If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
• My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
• Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
• I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
• I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
• When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
• You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
• When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.