Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Back by Popular Demand or Just Too Lazy to Come up With New Material :

When Steven's Wright....


The Absurd

• Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

• I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

• I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

• It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

• There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

• What's another word for Thesaurus?

• If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

• My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.

• I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

• Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.

• Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.


The Philosophical

• I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

• Black holes are where God divided by zero.

• If God dropped acid, would he see people?


The Surrealistic

• Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

• I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

• I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

• Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'

• I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

• I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

• I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

• Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.


The Empirical

• I bought some powdered water yesterday. I don't know what to add.

• Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

• If Dracula can't see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

• It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

• I have the world’s largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world.

• If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

• They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

• My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

• Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?


The Physiological

• I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

• I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

• When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'


The Phenomenological

• You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

• When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

4 comments:

Justin Evans said...

I was talking to a woman in a bar and she said to me, "Do you know you ar wearing two different colored socks?" I said, "yes, but to me they are the same. I go by thickness."

She asked, "Are you feeling alright?" I said, "You know when you are lening aback on a chair, and you almost fall backwards but ten you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."

I have a dog. He's an East-German Shephard. Very disciplined.

I take him for walks on the ledge of my apartment building. Mos people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.

I named him "Stay." When he was a puppy I would say, "Come here, Stay, some here, Stay. Now he ignores me and just keeps on typing."

Nick said...

LOL! Just too funny... "Now he ignores me and just keeps on typing." indeed! You know I caught Steven's act in Montreal several years ago in a joint called YUK YUKS. I distinctly remember his warped and dry sense of humour and that monotone delivery.

Patty said...

I needed a laugh, thank you!

Nick said...

Your welcome!