Thank you for your kind words (with regards to my blog and the poem). This is a new feature that I'm trying out on my blog. The poems that I post "In Vitro" are poems which I'm still not fully satisfied with. Hopefully, they will garner some commentary along the way.
Nick, I see you are seeking comments, here are my two cents--
I love the opening stanza, the sounds, the images, the language--I suggest you tighten the second stanza:
Open the cartons in search of the picture of my mother doubled over with a group of paesani [] – figures bent like in a Millet painting by the train tracks picking dandelion greens before they flower []– a side-dish of my mother curtsying to her youth --
now unable to toss a crumpled []napkin across to me even if her life depended on it.
I have to say, Nick, this is good stuff. It's a keeper.
I appreciate you taking the time to read and crit this. Your fine edit tightens the poem but doesn't detract from the conceit. It's an early draft, so I know that it needs work. Most of my poems do anyway. Thanks again for your efforts. You've given much to think about.
Posting my poetry here will not stop me from posting it over at 3candles. I value the opinion & poetic acumen of all the members of the 3candles workshop too much to stop doing that. And of course Steve knows how much I respect his ability to critique (as well as write, edit, read poetry etcetera...(although I've never been to one of his readings).
The problem really stems from the fact that my work needs more exposure. Here, in Montreal, I do not get to do any readings (partially my fault really) & I have not been sending out as many submissions as I used to - ever since I stopped sending out mostly e-mail subs. I would like to get my poetry out to people would never read my poetry otherwise. This blog is a good platform for that.
Nonetheless, I do recognize that I can (at times) be a caustic critic. This does not make me popular in workshop circles. So I've just been in an "self-evaluation" phase. But I have every intention of coming back to workshop my poetry and raise a little hell while I'm at it! :-)
5 comments:
Your imagery is so vivid. The poem has a nice flow from beginning to end. And the last line stays with me. Wonderful!
January,
Thank you for your kind words (with regards to my blog and the poem). This is a new feature that I'm trying out on my blog. The poems that I post "In Vitro" are poems which I'm still not fully satisfied with. Hopefully, they will garner some commentary along the way.
Nick, I see you are seeking comments, here are my two cents--
I love the opening stanza, the sounds, the images, the language--I suggest you tighten the second stanza:
Open the cartons in search of
the picture of my mother doubled over
with a group of paesani
[] – figures bent
like in a Millet painting
by the train tracks picking
dandelion greens before
they flower []– a side-dish
of my mother curtsying to her youth --
now unable to toss
a crumpled []napkin across to me
even if her life depended on it.
I have to say, Nick, this is good stuff. It's a keeper.
Suzanne,
I appreciate you taking the time to read and crit this. Your fine edit tightens the poem but doesn't detract from the conceit. It's an early draft, so I know that it needs work. Most of my poems do anyway. Thanks again for your efforts. You've given much to think about.
Nate,
Posting my poetry here will not stop me from posting it over at 3candles. I value the opinion & poetic acumen of all the members of the 3candles workshop too much to stop doing that. And of course Steve knows how much I respect his ability to critique (as well as write, edit, read poetry etcetera...(although I've never been to one of his readings).
The problem really stems from the fact that my work needs more exposure. Here, in Montreal, I do not get to do any readings (partially my fault really) & I have not been sending out as many submissions as I used to - ever since I stopped sending out mostly e-mail subs. I would like to get my poetry out to people would never read my poetry otherwise. This blog is a good platform for that.
Nonetheless, I do recognize that I can (at times) be a caustic critic. This does not make me popular in workshop circles. So I've just been in an "self-evaluation" phase. But I have every intention of coming back to workshop my poetry and raise a little hell while I'm at it! :-)
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