Thursday, July 24, 2008

Highlights From the Just For Laughs Festival

My wife and I, along with some friends, caught a gala night in the 2008 Just For Laughs Festival at le Theatre St.Denis on Saturday night. The master of ceremonies was no other than Jimmy Fallon - the heir apparent to Conan O'Brien. He did a bit where there was a retrospective of all the better known comics who have appeared over the years. It was arguably the highlight of the evening. Fallon did dead-on impressions of everybody from Bill Cosby to Robin Williams.

But Joan Rivers was apparently the best of the gala hosts with classic quips such as these:

"It's not only breasts that drop. Vaginas drop too. I woke up eight years ago and asked myself why I was wearing a bunny slipper. And why it was grey."

"Remember the good old days, when all women had to do was fake orgasm? As long as you could see the TV, you were home free."

Other Gags That Cracked us Up:

"We have two boys. we named them Jackson & Grant. We figured, "What the heck, they're going to fight anyway."

------------------------------------------------------------------Henry Cho

I hate bullshit. I hate the president (G.W Bush). ... Do you know that every 20 years a president is assassinated, or there's an attempted assassination? Where are my bipolar white people? What happened? ... He walks around carrying that briefcase. Ain't nothing in there but a colouring book and a sippy cup."

-------------------------------------------------------------------Thea Vidale

"Growing up, you could always tell the Italian kids at school by their projects. Beth came in with a gingerbread house, but Tony turned up with a 3,000-square-foot bungalow with a finished basement."

-------------------------------------------------------------------Frank Spadone

"My mother told me: 'Watch out for women these days. They are like olive oil. They say they are virgin, but you know that they've been pressed a couple of times."

--------------------------------------------------------------------Frank Spadaone

"Menopause. It's a lot like adolescence without all that life ahead of you."

--------------------------------------------------------------------Cathy Ladman

"My husband said, 'If I'm ever in a coma, I want you to pull the plug.' I said, 'Then you're going to have to start taking more, because I can't tell the difference now.' "

----------------------------------------------------------------------Cathy Ladman

"You know how when you meet the right person, you know instantly? Why does it take a year and a half when it's the wrong one.?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------Phil Hanley

"I'm half Caucasian and half Asian. I guess that makes me...Caucasian."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------Steven Byrne

"I always looked young for my age, which was a bit creepy at birth."

------------------------------------------------------------------------Matt Kirshen

"I have an 8-year old child, and he's a bit deranged because he's been living with me for eight years."

------------------------------------------------------------------------Jason Byrne

"Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing: You should never look down."

------------------------------------------------------------------------Stewart Francis

"They say all the oil is in Alberta. What a shame all the dipsticks are in Ottawa."

------------------------------------------------------------------------Bowser and Blue

"My girlfriend got me this book on feng shui, but I didn't know where in my home to put it."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------Irwin Barker

"I recently finished the internet. A picture of Bill Gates showed up."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------David O'Doherty

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